Photo by Aleksandr Ledogorov on Unsplash
This is the time when there are a multitude of lists of “best ofs” and “worst ofs” and resolutions. Instead of revisiting all the things I learned this year, or picking through elaborate goals for the next year, I’m interested in where I am now. What’s present for me in my awareness of being alive on this day?
That’s not to say there isn’t utility in taking a look to the past for reference, learning and gratitude. As I reflect on experiences and the amazing people I met this year, where I go is asking myself questions, like:
- Where did I surrender?
- Where did I resist?
- Where did I let go and just have fun?
- Where did I take a risk? Where did it work, and where did it not?
- What patterns do I see in my behavior towards myself and others?
- Where did I show up?
In looking forward to the coming year, I can look at those same questions from a different perspective:
- Where will I surrender?
- How will I handle resistance when it comes? (and it will…)
- Where can I, will I, just … let … go?
- Where will I see an edge and lean into it?
- What patterns will I keep, which ones do I disrupt?
- What will showing up as Who I Am, everywhere, look like?
This is a great exercise to spend time with yourself and see what’s happening in your mind. Just watch how you answer the questions. What happens in your body? Which questions flow and which ones cause restriction?
Jumping back to what I’m present to right now.
What’s occurring for me is time. I’m going to be 49 in 2018. Forty-nine. That’s 1 away from 50. My son is going to 18 in 2 weeks. My daughter, 16. Scott WILL be 50 this year. As zen as I can be in a lot of parts of my life, these numbers cause a “holy shit” to pop up in my human mind. Let’s be real…49… that’s at least half or possibly more than half.
One thing I’m thinking about today — How am I feeling? The work of Being is always happening for me. Am I taking the best possible care of my physical body? What would it take for my physical being to operate at its highest capacity, at my age? (haha) Am I willing to do what it takes? Will it take too much time?
Time is a manmade construct to track the patterns of light and dark. It was created in order for humans to place themselves in space, to ground themselves in a pattern, to grow roots into a place, and to track the best ways to feed themselves. Nature doesn’t have time as we do. Animals don’t know when it’s Christmas, or there is a New Year, or when they need to go make a special treat for their love on Valentine’s Day. Plants grow because they grow when they grow. That’s what plants do. Time only exists with humans.
We can use it for what it’s there for and not become obsessed in the created importance of its use. It’s time to do this. It’s time to do that. It’s easy in our modern lives to feel there is never enough time, or become fixated with wasting time, or not know what to do with our time. Time is neutral. It’s only as big as you make it.
What’s more important is learning to dance with the patterns of light and dark within time. Here, we are engaged in the present moment.
Where life is actually occurring.
So what’s happening in this very moment?
I am being. On my sofa. In my robe. With a fire (even though it’s 65 degrees outside), here writing to you. My son is chopping an apple in the kitchen. My daughter is writing a paper for school. My partner is taking a shower, getting ready for his day. I have things, and meetings, and timelines and deadlines for the future. I’m so, so excited about what I’m creating in the coming year. We have family coming this weekend for the holidays.
What I know is it will all happen. I also know it won’t happen in the exact way I would try to predict right now.
So I will set intentions, and let go.
Let go of myself. Let go of time. Let go of grasping. Open my hands, my heart, and my eyes, giving space for something bigger, for possibility, to happen through me.
I will bask in the light of what’s possible.